Pre-Christmas miracle takes place in office lunch room

Some employees that sit next to the office lunchroom noticed what may just be a pre-Christmas miracle. It occurred during the week leading up to Christmas. The usual smells of burning things or stinky lunches that usually waft through to choke the neighbouring cubicles did not happen on the pre-Christmas week. In fact, the toaster that is often found sitting (and sometimes smoking) underneath the paper towel dispenser did not appear underneath the dispenser for the week.

Employee feels a tinkling of Christmas spirit after bombardment of cutesy Christmas images

During a bombardment of cutesy Christmas images via email, a co-worker found a strange feeling of warmth and happiness had broken through his standard degree of bitterness. The Christmas spirit managed to engage him for a short period of time as co-worker found himself appreciating it and forwarding cutesy email. However, three cutesy Christmas images later, the tired, bored and bitter feelings returned and work went on as usual.

Local woman experiences pre-Christmas miracle at Wal-Mart

During busy Christmas season, local woman went to pick up some grocery items at Wal-Mart. Although she prepared herself mentally for standing in a long line up with potentially screaming children, in the midst of several long line-ups, she came upon a line-up that was not long, nobody was waiting for a price check, nor were there any screaming children in it. The people in the line-up neither jostled nor ran over the woman’s feet with their carts, and most importantly, she did not get pepper sprayed. Local woman came away unscathed. It was … a pre-Christmas miracle!

Local woman uncertain if neighbour's son has moved back in with his mother

Local woman suspects that her neighbour’s son moved back in with his mother. However, when asked if the son was spotted yet, local woman wasn’t sure if he had actually moved in or not. Sightings of the son are so rare that he may be placed on the endangered species list. Unlike helpful human sons, this one has been spotted drunken in the valley behind local woman’s house asking her not to tell his mom about the sighting. It’s also tricky to spot the son in the winter as he doesn’t partake in shoveling or any other useful practices. Local woman may never know for sure if neighbour’s son has actually moved back in.

Worker hides toaster for safety purposes

In order to prevent potential fire from occurring in office lunch room, worker hid the toaster from 1975. The action was not so much to protect the moronic people who can’t seem to understand that putting a toaster from 1975 (which tends to burn bread more than merely toast) underneath a paper towel dispenser is NOT the brightest of ideas, but instead to protect the other people around them who would then have to deal with the potential fire when the paper towels become a burning ball of fire and spreading. Apparently the smell of things burning in the office really annoys co-workers.

Bus driver pushes his luck for getting plowed over in buffet restaurant parking lot

When asked to move his school bus in the parking lot of a buffet restaurant, bus driver for senior’s center decided instead of actually helping by moving bus forward and out of the way, he would provide “assistance” to compact car driver. Bus driver’s version of helping included standing in the way behind car trying to back out despite warnings of moving out of the way, calling out bad directions, and generally NOT MOVING SCHOOL BUS. Fortunately for senior center's bus driver, driver of compact car evaded plowing over him and managed to get car out of tight spot incident free. Passengers in car suggested if someone could get out of that spot incident free, they deserve to get licence on the spot without further driver skill testing.

Woman tempted to ask insurance company: WTF?

Woman thinks of Sak Noel's song What the f*ck? when opening and seeing her insurance company's price hike for the next term. She wanted to call them up and ask them: ¿es usted gente muy loca? What the f*ck?! She searched all day, all night .... Fortunately she found a better offer and signed up with another insurance company.

Email about lack of elevator service goes out to all who already knew it

Corporate email about obvious lack of elevator service was sent out to all in corporate building, who would have already observed/experienced that there was a problem with the elevators in getting to their desks to get email about lack of elevator service. Some corporate employees were not sure to be thankful or not for receiving information about something they already experienced; some others continued to ignore corporate email and didn’t realize they received information about something they already knew.

A man and woman in a corporate building lift have quiet competition for self importance

A man and woman in a corporate building lift have quiet competition as to who was more self important. As the lift doors opened, the woman pushed her way passed others, because she had to get in first to make the claim she is *that* important. The man, on the other hand, carried a big bag -- that could knock others on their arse at the slightest swing – and claimed his ground really close to the elevator doors inside so nobody could get in or out without having to squeeze around him. It was a tight and quiet competition; the lift filled with tension to see who would get off first in order to claim the momentary prize of higher self importance. The man with the big bag won this round as his floor came first. The woman would have to settle for second this round. Others in the lift were relieved when the competition round came to an end.

Social media viewer disturbed at another's injury profile picture -- seeks cute fuzzy online videos

After seeing image of gross injury on social media profile picture, viewer checking account thinks: unless one has turned into zombie, one should really NOT identify self as an injury ... Viewer felt need to search youtube for pointless but cute animal clips to clear mind of disturbing picture.

York (UK) visitors discover real reason to stay off grassy bank

Visitors to a York (UK) historical site discover that the itty bitty signs to stay off the grass bank, which they only noticed after they got off the bank (and nearly broke their necks doing it) is more for their own health reasons than for the sake of keeping the grassy bank nice and tidy. If it wasn’t for fact that a woman called up at visitors to get off grassy bank, they may not have found the tiny signs to stay off the bank or tiny sign whispering direction of stairs (right near stairs). One visitor thought she might get to see the inside of a British hospital (A&E section) the hard way when friend went sliding down bank and then nearly lost her own footing. Third friend used his super cat-like reflexes to avoid any slippage. Fortunately the hospital visit remained off the tour.

Traveler dared to use finger puppets on plane

Traveler was dared to speak to person that would be sitting next to her through a 7hr flight across the ocean with knight and lady finger puppets. Part of dare included asking the unfortunate person to say “almond”, then make them repeat it very slowly, enunciating the normally silent ‘l’ to say “all-mund”. Fortunately, traveler decided she would rather not make the plane land earlier or get on the no-fly list for future flights. Instead, traveler kept finger puppets to make dull work meetings more entertaining.

Group of coworkers band together for petition to isolate or force early retirement on throat clearing co-worker

After major eruptions that helpless coworkers had to bear through the previous week, group of coworkers band together for petition to isolate or force early retirement on throat clearing clueless coworker who refuses diplomatic requests to knock it off already. Apparently that crumb from 1965 is STILL working its way up through the passive aggressive tubes. It was nearly up and out a week ago, but sadly it only shifted to a new place for more rounds of incessant throat clearing eruptions. Neighbouring coworkers almost passed out at their desks from wanting to bang their heads on desks. Other coworkers lost some hair while trying to hang onto their sanity as best they could without creating their own eruption.

Throat eruption occurs, but post eruptions still expected

Throat clearing eruptions were at an all time high in an office. Work colleagues unfortunately had nowhere to take shelter and were forced to look at each other helplessly as the eruptions came non-stop. Finally, at the end of the week, it seemed to come to a climax.

It appears that some eruptions occur on volcanic islands as seen in this video link. However, some happen to your work colleagues. In the case of work colleagues, the pressure does not come from the ocean floor, but deeply repressed passive aggressiveness that erupt from pent up displaced anger.

Eruptions of work colleague throat clearing is a spectacular experience, but best witnessed from a good distance. Throaty sounds erupt from the central vent. Like volcanoes, it may take years to have a spectacular eruption. Following the major eruption, the colleague may experience smaller rumblings. The smaller eruptions can still go on for days on end and may seem almost as intense as the major eruption at times.

Nosy neighbour's neighbour considers changing phone number, then reconsiders

Nosy neighbour’s neighbour across the street tempted to change phone number so nosy neighbour wouldn’t call to tell her that her husband is on the roof, or get questioned about the company that they had over, or to ask if her daughter is seeing someone new. Nosy neighbour’s neighbour decided to keep same phone number because she realized that the nosy neighbour would only come and knock on neighbour’s door to tell her that her phone number isn’t working anymore.

A crowd of Zumba ladies kick out a class of little karate kids from room; politicians and uncoordinated coordinator to blame for incident

Politicians having a debate in community centre room started domino effect for karate kids getting boot from their usual room. Uncoordinated coordinator failed to inform Zumba instructor and students ahead of time that room was in use for political debate. Zumba instructor took sound system from debate room leaving politicians without microphone system before heading up to room to kick class of karate kids out of their usual room. It didn’t seem to matter that the politicians didn’t have a microphone system after all; politicians kept talking long after Zumba and karate classes were over. ... and after audience in debate room left.

Another driver seeks honk translator

Another driver found he could have used horn translator during storm. On a dark street with pouring rain, man ahead in Camry kept wandering out of his lane. In an attempt to get Camry driver to stop swerving, driver behind honked resulting in finger flipping from cyclist who assumed he was honked at by driver. Apparently the cyclist would have preferred to get hit by Camry that was edging closer to him. Obviously neither Camry driver nor cyclist were up on their honking translation skills. Driver would have risked the potential annoying "did you mean ....?" fault in honk translator design.

Live, messy demonstration more action-packed than clean, online demonstration

While watching with a bit of internal horror at someone licking the gunk off a bottle's lip and then recapping it, woman recalls viewing how very different (very, very different) an online food demonstration appeared compared with unintentional food demonstration person at work. The online food demonstration didn’t have any food flicking, water splattering, or finger and bottle licking involved like the one she witnessed live in front of her. Despite the feeling of her stomach turning and involuntary need to make stink face, the live demonstration somehow made the online demonstrator almost boring in comparison ... at least briefly.

Impending favor arises again, woman briefly caught in headlights

At a family function, a woman was briefly caught in headlights as impending favor was directed at her and a sibling. Oddly enough, the request arose from an innocent person sitting nearby to suggest the same awful favor to the same woman who saved her liver a few weeks before. With no alcohol in reach, woman looked briefly at sibling and decided the best answer was to say that she had too much TV watching to do. The alternate response would have been to say "these pretzels are making me thirsty" (without any pretzels in sight) and then walk away.

Close seating at entertainment venue felt a bit too intimate

At entertainment venue, seats were so close together it made strangers who sat beside each other feel a bit too cozy and practically intimate. After the show, some people felt as though they may have come close to having a one night stand. Some people walked away feeling like they should have exchanged phone numbers, but knew somehow that the other person wouldn't call anyway; just making them feel cheap and used.

Driver wishes her horn could translate words when honking

After getting cut off by complete moron at an intersection, driver wished her horn could translate the words that uttered out of her mouth. Instead, all moron driver could hear was the not-so-intimidating “beeeeeepp beeeeeeeeeppp!” of a compact car. However, the translation device might only frustrate drivers more by asking "did you mean ....?" and filling it in with something wrong.
Driver who got cut off only suffered temporary cramp in buttock from braking and increased usage of foul language for a few hours thereafter.

Woman decides to send a text to deal with annoying request instead of ruining liver

After two strong drinks, woman has light bulb moment when she figured out how to respond to an annoying request without actually ignoring it or drinking herself to death to deal with pending phone call. Woman realizes the miracles of text messaging was the best way to respond to person who liked using people and getting them to do incredulous favors. Quite frankly, the thought of ruining internal organs wasn’t worth it to deal with the person over the phone. Woman thought to herself this is how texting must have begun. Brilliant stuff! Woman saves her kidney and liver in the end and has one more drink to celebrate.

Witness befuddled by two twenty-somethings attempting to be more important than other

Witness was befuddled by two twenty-somethings yammering on the phone in a park. At first it appeared as though they were talking to each other, but upon closer inspection, it appeared that one of the twenty-somethings pretended to talk on her cell phone in a quieter tone to make herself seem slightly important as her supposed friend walking along side, who spoke loudly on the phone to indicate that indeed she was more important and needed. Witness was confused as to why they bothered coming out to walk with someone if they’re only going to ignore the person they’re with to talk on the phone to someone else.

Serious chat between co-workers makes bystander picture intense showdown

While walking into a lunch room at work, employee briefly debates turning around to go to have lunch somewhere else as she witnessed intense discussion between co-workers. Witness could almost hear the music to "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" stand off music. All that was missing was some tumbleweed going by. Fortunately stand off ended without anyone getting physically maimed.

Co-workers discover Wikipedia saves time on choosing right cult

While discussing various cults, like, oh say, Scientology, coworkers realized that if you don’t want to spend the money before finding out what it’s really about, why not just look it up on Wikipedia or Google it? This way it’ll save you the $1,000’s and $1,000’s before you realize you belong to a cult and then have to deal with the nuisance calls. Not to mention, you can even be an informed cult member instead of being prey to their usual tricky manipulation tactics and see if it's the right cult for you.

Co-workers fear for employee's crumb dislodging

As volume and frequency of an employee's incessant throat clearing increase, surrounding co-workers wonder and almost fear when crumb from 1975 will eventually emerge. New workers to environment wasn't sure what it was at first. One new worker considered it couldn't be human; it must be an odd office sound effect that emanated in random loud bursts.

Man attempts to disguise bad B.O. with sunglasses

A man in a grocery store was discovered to be confused and wrong in how to disguise bad body odor. Instead of using soap, man chose to attempt hiding body odor behind sunglasses. Unfortunately woman standing next in line recognized bad funk through camouflage and had nothing to shield herself from it. Woman was tempted to inform smelly man with sunglasses where soap aisle was. Then, on second thought, she sensed that the man would probably not recognize what soap was or how to use it.

Customer nearly gets taken out by box as clueless employees carry on

While two clueless employees discuss “what are you doing this weekend?” “I don’t know, what are you doing this weekend?” nearby customer struggles with box and nearly has it fall on top of her. Customer envisions getting flattened by box and clueless employees only reaction would be “did you hear something? … So what are you doing this weekend?”

Building maintenance employees attempt to intimidate microwave ovens

Building maintenance employees believed that by pacing up and down in front of out of order microwaves, it would intimidate microwaves to start working again. Onlookers suspect that microwaves were laughing internally at maintenance employees.

Local woman considers carrying sign to seek out heavy breathing old guy

After discussing an experience involving a heavy breathing older guy who made a bee-line to interrupt local woman on bench at the beach, local woman considers actually bringing along cardboard sign that reads "seeking heavy breathing old guy" to see if they might (and hopefully) fall into the category of when you're looking for one, they're never around.

Stoneware chef switches terms greasy and unclean to "seasoning" to make it more appealing

Guest at a chef function finds herself weary and turned off when she realizes what makes stoneware food tasty is by "seasoning" the stoneware with grease and not washing it. Basically, it comes down to some clever (and dirty) chef decided that by changing the description of something greasy and unclean to "seasoned" it sounds more appealing and acceptable. Sorry, not falling for it. Greasy and dirty is greasy and dirty I don't care how you try to disguise it. Seasoning? Really? So if you don't clean your floors and you drop stuff on it, doesn't that make the floor "seasoned"?

Former landlady employs high hopes by using monk to deal with crumbling house

Former tenant suspects former landlady of dealing with flooding basement and crumbling house after all the rain by tossing rubber ducky, toy boat, and a monk down in the basement. That’s right. A monk. Same landlady is probably hoping monk will save her house instead of actually doing the work to fix it.

Woman makes mad dash to get on bus

Woman makes mad dash for bus against the light on busy street. Onlooker wonders why on earth would someone be so excited as to risk their life to get on public transit. It's just a bus. Nothing exciting there, just other people trying to reason why they were so eager to get on the bus.

Local woman feels need to nap after taking in fumes from wino

After standing in line behind person reeking of alcohol, woman feels need to have a nap. Woman wonders if she and wino lady who stood in front of her had nap at the same time afterwards in different places. Meanwhile, in another part of the city, woman sitting on balcony wonders if boy shouting out for “Markus” finally found him. Perhaps Markus was taking a wine induced nap as well.

Pastry crumb nearly takes out worker

After eating a few bites of an imported pastry treat, crumb gets lodged in worker’s throat and nearly takes her out. Just when worker thought she got control of crumb, crumb decides it wasn’t quite done with her yet and went for another round. Upon thinking that a mere crumb almost took her out, worker takes gulp of beverage to wipe out crumb. Finally, the crumb subsided and allowed worker to carry on. In related news, worker considers originating cause of co-workers incessant throat clearing.

Sibling shudders at thought of "gift" video from clueless brother

Sibling has nightmares of potential video that pregnant sister-in-law will more than likely create for birth of baby in months to come. Frightening images of potential video came to her mind after recalling so-called “wedding” video, which was more like 45 minute make out session. Other siblings cringe at thought of two part video that includes conception. People, really! Nobody wants to see that; far less recorded images of it playing over and over.

Local woman considers new way of warding off crazy people in public

After a few attempts to move away from crazy person who kept talking and giggling out loud to herself beside local woman trying to enjoy an exhibit, local woman seriously considers the risk of appearing slightly crazy herself by carrying around water pistols loaded with Perrier to ward off crazy people in public who get too close. Local woman considered the idea of loading the water pistols with holy water, but it wouldn't be as easily accessible as Perrier.

Onlookers drive home with stunned faces from vision in parking lot

Onlookers in parking lot were left with stunned faces when their images of who owned a big bright pink SUV with tinted windows in the community center parking lot when they saw androgynous abominable couple with army-patterned jacket approach and drive away in it. It took some time for onlookers’ jaws to close, raised eyebrows to settle back down, and eyes to go back in their heads as they drove home in that state.

Employee looks forward to buying new socks with bonus money

After finding out that the bonus this year is a bit more than last year, employee got excited that apart from paying bills, she can get new socks and still have something decent left over.

VP passes out in office

After responding to the start of a chain of senseless “reply all” emails that it was not necessary to
a) "reply all", and
b) respond at all
email responses continued to flow in that unintended email was not intended from individuals, VP hits head against desk a bit too hard and passes out in office.
VP later woke up to bombardment of “I don’t think this email was intended for me either” responses, but was able to resist passing out again.

Potato Princess strikes again; leaves people stupefied and befogged

The Potato Princess strikes again in leaving people stupefied by her actions. Mother of two finds herself befogged as to what she's going to do with ONE flippin' potato that unwelcome guest bought during grocery run. Really Potato Princess? ONE potato?!

Local woman decides not to get GPS unit

After local woman realizes she doesn’t really need a GPS unit (despite tempting price), she is relieved at the thought that people don’t call out “recalibrating” when changing direction or their mind, like GPS units do. Why do GPS units need to announce they're recalibrating anyway especially as it just told you to "turn right now"?

Employee finds way to deflect death rays

Frustrated employee finds way to temporarily deflect death rays from a hostile co-worker. Other co-workers secretly sigh in relief as hostile co-worker takes time off because they know it’s a break from deflecting death rays. Employees suspect part of reason hostile co-worker took time off was to heal from shooting herself in the foot with one of her own death rays.

Worker catches herself before uttering "certain words" to song

While listening to music at work, employee getting caught up in catchy tune caught herself before blurting out words “I’m horny, horny, horny.” That would’ve been really hard to explain. No matter how hard she might have tried to explain, it just would NOT be a good picture.

Woman walks extra speedy to avoid sharing elevator with annoying driver

After waiting what seemed like forever to park at work parking lot because someone in front of her didn’t know how to park, woman rolled eyes at annoying driver and walked quickly ahead to avoid having to share elevator with said annoying driver.

Local woman considers new purpose for old wedding dress

Local woman who has wedding dress from previous marriage considers wearing it to work on casual Friday to offset those who insist on wearing their lounge clothes and gardening crocs. She also considered friend's suggestion to wearing it while housecleaning to elevate some style to lovely housecleaning rubber gloves.

Movie watcher finds way to get person to turn off cell phone during movie

Movie viewer found that using sultry voice to whisper into man’s ear ahead of her to “please turn off your phone, because it’s really annoying” very effective. Man stopped using cell phone without an argument, so that annoying light would not illuminate and distract others from enjoying the movie.

Woman prevents server from overloading her with fries

While getting a side of fries to go with her lunch, woman had to stop server from overloading the container. What customer really didn't tell the server was at the customer's age, things don't just stay nicely in place like "blunk"; they do more of a bah.... wait for it ... lunk. Even then, sometimes it just goes bah. (No "lunk" if you were waiting for it. Just bah.)

Ugly shirt ruins detergent ad

While watching an ad on TV for laundry detergent, viewers in room agreed the stain wasn’t the problem with the shirt, the problem was that the shirt was just too damn ugly to bother getting the greasy stain out.

Local woman tempted to give skirt "time out" at work

After the holidays, local woman tempted to put skirt in a time out while at work due to it's sudden snugness and continue on working in tights, boots, and top. Woman then reconsidered, fearing that idea might catch on, shuddered, and thought of other distracting things to get through day instead.